She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She bit a glass in half.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
