Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
