apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
