Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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