I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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