it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
