I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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