I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it hurts more in the daytime
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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