Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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