wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
