If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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