made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
