She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
