What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
