The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
