90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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