i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
