There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You may now shotgun with the bride
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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