If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i dont even know how to be here
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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