i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
They have beer where we have blood.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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