she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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