was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
