My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
