I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
