just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He? As in you personified your dick?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
