What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My bed smells like the plague
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