I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
