Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
