Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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