I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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