Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
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