Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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