Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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