Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
