omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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