dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
