i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
