ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
