I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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