okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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