did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize