Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
