Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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