i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
