and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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