My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
