I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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