I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
