We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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