Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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