there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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