dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
