I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
