Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize