Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
