But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
