i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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