I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
