i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
