im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
