so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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